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The topic that I had originally chosen to blog about was racism in the USA. However, this week had been full of worry, heartbreak, and loss.
For the past few weeks, I had been seeing a few of my friends from church post up about their father/father-in-law. I didn’t think too much about it. On Wednesday, one of my best friends from church messaged me on Facebook explaining that her father-in-law had been diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer and the prognosis was not very good. She asked me to pray for him and their whole family. Then the next morning, one of her sister-in-laws posted up on Facebook that they had lost their father.
Even though I didn’t know their father well, it brought up my own emotions around grief and loss. Only just a little over a year ago, I lost my sister-in-law who was my husband’s younger sister. Before losing her, I had not lost anyone who I was particularly close to. I still remember it as if it happened yesterday.
According to Kubler-Ross’s model, there are 5 stages of grief. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. After a year of grieving my sister-in-law’s death, I do not believe that I would call it the 5 stages of grief. Personally, I would call it the 5 parts of grief instead. Everyone experiences grief differently and grieves differently.
When I first heard that my sister-in-law passed away, my body went into shock immediately. After coming out of shock, I denied her death, was angry at the individuals who were with her when she passed, and bargained that it wasn’t true. Our immediate family had not seen her body so I still had hope that maybe they had it all wrong. I kept thinking that she would walk in through the front door and complain about how she was so tired from all the events of the weekend. It wasn’t until 3 days later when my husband’s family went to the morgue to see her body. That was when I finally accepted that she was gone. However, I was still so angry with her and with everyone who had been with her that night.
From the time of her death to her funeral was a month since we wanted a weekend funeral and most funeral homes were booked. Within that month, I felt as if my mind and body was simply going through the motions. I shut down my emotions so that I was able to focus on work and help plan the funeral. When her funeral was completed and her body was buried, I completely crashed. I went into a deep depression and was simply a zombie for a few months. About 6 months after her death, I finally felt like the pain in my heart was finally bearable.
I don’t feel like I was ever able to “move on” or “get over” her death. Whenever my husband and I receive phone calls in the middle of the night, my heart still races and my body goes numb. If my sister-in-law crosses my mind, my eyes swell up with tears. When you lose someone, you don’t ever move on or get over them. You simply learn to continue living while you mourn their death. As each day passes, the pain becomes more bearable, but it never vanishes completely. Even a year later, I still get depressed from time to time regarding her death even though I no longer experience the other parts of grieving such as denial, anger, and bargaining.
For those who are currently grieving a loved one, I empathize with you. There is no “correct” way to grieve and mourn the loss of your loved one. There is no time limit as to when we should stop grieving. But do know that as each day passes, the pain does become more bearable. Talk to friends and families. Celebrate the life of your loved one. And do what you need to take care of yourself so that you can continue with your life.
ARA COUNSELING 