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One of the first skills that I talk about and teach my pre-marital couples is communication. We start with a discussion about what they believe communication means and how it looks like. Then we talk about how they currently communicate with each other and if it is working or not. Lastly, we discuss how to improve their communication with each other.
So the first question is, what is communication? Communication is the act of expressing your thoughts and opinions to others through verbal or nonverbal speech.
Do we all communicate? Yes we do. Even babies communicate by crying or giggling to let their caretakers know that they need something OR like something.
Is our communication always effective? No.
Today I will be focusing specifically on verbal communication. Two main factors of verbal communication are active listening and effective communication.
What is active listening?
Active listening is the act of giving your full attention to the person who is speaking to you. Once they are done speaking, then you should summarize everything that they have said back to them to ensure that you understood everything they said. If they agree with your summary, then you are able to respond accordingly to them. However, if you did not understand everything they said, this gives them a chance to clarify.
What is effective communication?
Effective communication is the act of expressing your thoughts and opinions to another person in a nonthreatening way. What I usually suggest is to start the sentence with an “I” statement or an “I feel” statement followed by an explanation.
For example:
Person A: I feel so tired because there were too many things that I had to get done around the house.
Person B: Wow, you’re really tired from doing a lot of things around the house.
Person A: Yes.
Person B: Is there anything that I can do to help you?
Most people’s first thoughts when reading this example is that it feels too scripted and unnatural. Actually, it isn’t unnatural or scripted at all especially if both people have practiced using active listening and effective communication for awhile.
A lot of times we picked up communication habits from our families, friends, and those around us. So then when we are learning a new way of communicating, it naturally feels awkward or weird. However, if we stick to it and keep practicing then it becomes natural and automatic for us.
Active listening and effective communicating do NOT happen overnight. We do not suddenly become great at it. In the beginning, it takes a lot of energy, time, and practice. However, if you stick to it then it will be worth it in the end.
I have include a short communication assignment that you could do with your partner to increase your relationship’s active listening and effective communicating skills.
Communication Assignment:
- Pick a topic to discuss (examples: chores, dates, hobbies, etc)
- Person A starts the conversation with “I feel … because …”
- Once Person A finishes expressing their thoughts/opinions, then Person B responds with “I hear you saying …”
- Person A can agree or disagree with Person B’s summary. If agreed then Person B can respond starting with “I feel … because …” OR if disagreed then Person A can clarify what they said.
Rules: Do not start a sentence with “you” because that gives off the vibe of an accusation causing the other person’s defenses to go up. If at any time, either person starts to get riled up, it is time to end the conversation and resume at another time when both people are calm.
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