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The other day, I was scrolling on Facebook and came across a post that was shared by a family member. It talked about how we need to stop forgiving people if they were not going to change. In my head, I was screaming “NOOOOOO!!! DO NOT SPREAD THIS NONSENSE!!”
Let me explain myself. I strongly believe that we must ALWAYS forgive others.
Forgiveness is the conscious decision that we make to let go of the hurt and pain that another person has caused us.
Does this mean that we automatically forget everything that has been done to hurt us? No. But it means that we are willing to move past it. We are ready to no longer be tied to the past, to the pain and suffering.
Does this mean that everything goes back to the way it used to be? No, it doesn’t. We get to decide if we want to continue a relationship with this person or not. If we decide to continue a relationship, then we must let the person know what needs to be changed in order for the relationship to continue. It is then up to the person to decide if they want to change or not. We cannot force another person to change when they are unwilling. On the other hand, if we choose to discontinue our relationship with the person then we can let them know our decision.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or having amnesia. Forgiveness does not mean that we allow others to continue to mistreat us and hurt us. We do not forgive for others, but for ourselves. Forgiveness is setting ourselves free from the chains of pain, hurt, and suffering. Also, it means that we choose stand up for ourselves.
Forgiveness is not a feeling that we feel because feelings change constantly depending on what is currently happening in our lives. It is a decision we must make and stick to it. Does it mean that we automatically feel better? No. But as time goes on and as we continue to let go, it becomes more bearable each day until it no longer takes a huge emotional toll on us.
What happens when we refuse to forgive? We hold on to the hurt, pain, and suffering. We let it eat away at us and eventually, we will become bitter. That bitterness and hurt will turn into anger and lead us into a downward spiral.
In the end, it is your decision whether or not to forgive someone for hurting you. However, in the time being, continue to take care of yourself. Practice healthy self-care. If you’re not caring for yourself, who will?
ARA COUNSELING 