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What are the 5 love languages?
The 5 love languages are quality time, physical touch, acts of services, gifts, and words of affirmation. They were developed by Dr Gary Chapman through his work with couples. Over the years, he has come out with books about the 5 love languages for children and singles as well.
Do we only have 1 love language? No. We can actually speak all 5 love languages; however, there are some love languages that speaks more to us than others. If you take the love language test, you will find out that there is a ranking system that determines which love language is more important to us.
When I first took the 5 love language test in my early 20s, quality time and physical touch tied at the top of my ranking. However, as I have gotten older and my priorities have shifted, my top love language is now acts of service followed by quality time and physical touch. Obviously, our love languages can change as we change and grow as individuals as well.
In addition to the love languages, Dr Gary Chapman also talked about having a love tank. This is an imaginary tank that we each have. The only way to fill it up is if we feel that our significant other is showing us love. The more love we want to receive, the more love we must give to our significant others. This love must be reciprocal so that both love tanks continue to be filled. If one love tank is constantly full while the other is empty, there will be discord in the relationship.
Quality Time
Does everyone whose love language is quality time expect the same thing? No. If you read the 5 love languages book, Dr Gary Chapman goes into depth talking about how even though many people speak a specific love language, their accents can be very different. Just like in the USA, if you’re from New England, the way you talk can sound very different from those in the South. It’s still both American English, but there are some terms that are pronounced differently or have completely different meanings. So then quality time for one person may be completely different from another person.
Examples of Quality Time:
1. Spending 30 minutes a day having an uninterrupted conversation with our loved one(s)
2. Going on a one-on-one date
3. Going on a vacation together
4. Watching a movie together
5. Physically in the same location together
Physical Touch
Many times clients have asked me if physical touch mean touching that leads to sexual activities or sexual intercourse. The answer is no. Physical touch does not always lead to sexual activities.
Examples of Physical Touch:
1. Cuddling on the couch
2. Kissing on the hand, cheek, head, or lips
3. Holding hands
4. Pat on the back
5. Hugs
Gifts
Does every person who speak the language of gifts expect extravagant gifts? No they don’t. However, you must ask them what types of gifts they enjoy receiving.
Examples of Gifts:
1. Handwritten note
2. A bouquet of flowers
3. A drink from a coffee shop
4. Something that they have been wanting to get
5. Clothing or jewelry
Acts of Service
When I was younger, I used to imagine that acts of service meant that we did everything for the person while they did nothing for themselves. That is not the case. Acts of service is the willingness to give your time and energy to help the other person complete tasks that could relieve them of stress or allow them to have extra time for other things.
Examples of Acts of Service:
1. Wash the dishes without being asked
2. Taking out the trash when asked
3. Bringing a cup of water for the person to drink when they’ve been busy
4. Putting away groceries
5. Wiping down the table after a meal
Words of Affirmation
This is a love language that I personally forget about all the time. It’s not surprising as it ranks very low on my love language list. However, words of affirmation are boundless and not limited to only one type of expression.
Examples of Words of Affirmation:
1. Saying “I love you”
2. Thanking someone for what they’ve done
3. Giving words of encouragement (“You’ve got this”, “You can do it”, etc)
4. Praising someone (“Good job”, “You are awesome”, etc)
5. Apologizing when you are wrong
I quickly summarized and gave some examples of the different 5 love languages. I highly encourage you to read the 5 love languages book to really comprehend the foundation of the love languages. Also, you must analyze yourself after taking the love language test to figure out what accent you speak. For example, my top love language is Acts of Service. One of my accents is that when I ask someone to help me do a task, I expect it to be done quickly and in a timely manner. Not 6 months or 3 years later. Then, you must sit down with your significant other to figure out what their love language and accents are. When you both show the other person love through their love language, you fill up each other’s love tank.
5 Love Language Assignment
1. Take the Love Language Test: Learn More About Yourself (5lovelanguages.com)
2. Read your results thoroughly and figure out what your accents are
3. Sit down with your significant other and discuss your love languages and accents
4. Start showing love to your significant other based on their love language(s) and accents
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