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A year ago, we lost my husband’s sister. Two months ago, we lost my husband’s first cousin who he had considered as a sister. They were both very young. My husband’s sister was only 30 and his cousin was only 35 years of age. Both losses were sudden and very tragic to the family.
I have not done any trainings in grief and loss and definitely did not specialize in grief counseling. I had never lost anyone who was particularly close to me prior to the passing of both of my sister-in-laws. It was new territory for me personally and professionally.
When my husband’s sister passed away, my husband shut down emotionally. He refused to come home and barely spoke to me. He slept over at my in-laws’ house for a week and every weekend afterwards. As a wife, I struggled a lot during this time because I still had to play the role of a wife supporting her husband, the role of a daughter-in-law helping the family prepare for the funeral, the role of a mother explaining to my children that they won’t see their aunt anymore and continuing to answer their curious questions, and as an individual who was grieving the lost of a loved one. As a therapist, I understood that everyone grieved differently. Everyone functioned differently.
Technically I wasn’t “surprised” with how my husband was grieving because I knew how he expressed and coped with his emotions. What I did during that time was give him the space and time that he needed. I knew that he was extremely sad because it was his baby sister who passed away. I didn’t nag or complain that he wasn’t home, that he wasn’t helping me with any household chores, or that he wasn’t helping me with our children. I knew that he had no energy to do anything except go to work and grieve.
We held her funeral and burial a month after her passing. By that time, my husband finally was able to have more energy to engage in minimal conversations with me and be involved with the funeral process. After her burial, we were finally able to find a new normal. Even though we were still struggling emotionally and grieving her passing, we were able to start having regular conversations again, helping each other around our home, and taking care of our children.
When my husband’s cousin passed, he was on a trip out of state with his brothers so we weren’t physically together. I knew that he was grieving and was not going to be able to have long conversations with me. However, I would message him throughout the days just to check in on how he was doing until he got home. By the time he came back home, it had been a month since her passing, and he was starting to get back on his feet emotionally.
Everyone grieves differently. There is no one-size fits all way to how people grieve. Some internalize their emotions like my husband where they do not engage in conversation or activities with others. Others externalize their emotions where they cry and express their emotions verbally. Some are able to process their emotions and are able to get back into their daily routines within a few weeks. Others can take a few months to years.
Also, there is no one way to support our partners as they are grieving. As for me, I have been with my husband for almost a decade so I knew what he needed without him having to tell me. However, if you don’t know what your partner needs or how to support them, ask. There is nothing wrong with asking because it will help you understand each other more.
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