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To have or not to have children?
When my husband and I got married, we had children right away. So we were never questioned by friends and relatives if we were going to have children. However, I have many friends and cousins who either waited to have kids or struggled to conceive and were constantly being bombarded with questions about when they are going to have kids.
Having children is not an easy feat. My husband originally thought that it was a walk in the park until we had our first child. He told me that he was content with only one child and had no desires to have any more. He hated getting up at night, getting peed/pooped on, etc.
To have children is a personal decision that both you and your partner must make together. Why do you want to have children? How many children do you want? How do you want to raise them? How will they be cared for (stay at home parent/family members/nannies/daycare/etc.)?
Why do you want to have children?
If your answer is not that you want to extend your love to them, then I would like to encourage you to think really hard about why you want children. Having children cannot save a marriage. Having children to love you is not a guarantee. In the Hmong community, some of the reasons why elders had many children were (1) to have more helpers in the fields, (2) to take care of them in old age, and (3) to carry on the family name (pertaining to having sons). There are still a lot of people out there who carry these mindsets, and it can create a lot of pain for both the parents and children. Especially in the USA, there are employment opportunities other than working on a farm. There has been a rise in nursing facilities, customized living homes, and assisted living homes for individuals who can no longer care for themselves.
How many children should you have?
I have no answer for this question because it is up to you and your partner. However, I can offer some points for you to think about. How many children are you able to financially support? How many children do you have time for? What are your life goals? Do children play a role in your life goals? Now that I have 4 children, my entire life revolves around them. I schedule my life around their lives; such as school, extracurricular activities, doctor appointments, when they’re sick, etc. Every decision that I make (i.e. going on vacation, spa trips, etc.), I have to consider them first. I don’t mind and it’s not a hassle for me because I love my children and I wanted all of them. They were a part of my life plan and goals.
How do you want to raise your children?
I knew that I wanted to raise my children to be forward thinkers and feminists. As far as spiritual beliefs, I wanted them to have a relationship with God and Jesus. I wanted them to carry on the beauty of the Hmong culture and leave the negatives of the culture behind. I wanted to raise them to be bilingual; even though my children only speak English right now. I wanted to raise them to be respectful of their elders but to also know when to stand up for themselves.
How are your children going to be cared for?
This is the million dollar question because childcare in the USA is not cheap. When I was looking into daycares for my firstborn, I could not believe how expensive it was. College tuition to a public university was cheaper than daycare. Thankfully my parents and my in-laws stepped in to help us care for our children so that we did not have to spend a fortune on daycare. However, if you don’t have the luxury of grandparents willing to care for your children, this can be a deciding factor as to whether or not you will have children, when you will have children, and how many children you will have.
Ultimately in the end, it is you and your partner’s decision as to whether or not you will have children. Do not let others pressure you into having children because they’re not gonna be the ones getting up in the middle of the night to feed and change your baby, and they are definitely not going to be paying for your nanny/daycare expenses.
Only have children when you are ready for them and for healthy and positive reasons.
ARA COUNSELING 